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Heartbreakthird entry
One day I’ll let the smile be real.
There are some things I really don’t get. So I always assume them. I always assume because it keeps me from having one of my daily ‘panic attacks’ and being paranoid. You might not know this, but I’m incredibly paranoid. There’s not really a great explaination as to why, put I know I’m a paranoid downer freak. I’ve been told.
Anyways, like I was saying, there’s some things I don’t get. Like why at the mention of her name I get this lump thing in my throat and the tears wanna explode from my eyes. I don’t understand that. All I know is, I want it to go away.
My cousin, Ronnie, says that that lump in my throat’ll go away if I just ‘man up and grow some balls.’ Well, that’s my make of it anyways. I’m too scared to do so. Because my assumptions cannot possibly be any worse than the actuality. I rather not know why she left me. I rather be left in the dark with my paranoia and assumptions.
Like what? Well I’ve come to this conclusion:you leave somebody when you hate them, isn’t that right? I’ve been told that I am correct. So then, somebody tell me why she is still so close to my heart? Why’s she’s still in my life. I think it’s because I like her so damn much, I know that. So what’s her reasons? Hahahha, I don’t wanna know.
My godsister, Monique, says that it’s her gothic powers of confusion. That she just makes me think that she likes me so that I won’t leave and spend more time with her instead. Haha, that’s just Momo’s jealousy talking though. I know that.
What do I think? I do not know. I try not to think about it. Because then that lump comes back…and I end up crying.
My friend, Marcus, said that I should just ask her. He tried to make me feel better. He said there’s a difference in me and that he wants me to be happy again, but…I’m too scared.
Sometimes I have all this courage, but I think it’s limited. I waste it on silly outbursts and talking to people on the streets.
Some days ago, I was nearly better. I felt that everything would be alright, but then…Risha, my friend, she let it slip that she got a boyfriend. I laughed. At myself. I didn’t understand. How could she easily let me go like that? Really…what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I don’t get it.
It was Marcus who said that it seemed kind of quick…and that maybe they might have been seeing each other behind my back. I laughed. Because I refused to cry. Why’d he say that? I know her, she would never do that. And that’s not something I’m just saying to make myself feel better. I don’t spare myself like that.
Then, Jermaine, he’s supposed to be my friend. Some friend. What he said to me, shatter the heart that’s trying to heal.
“You’re so difficult. I can see why she left you.”
I’m kind of lonely now. And each time I tell her that I hate her, it’s because I think, ‘she’s got somebody better.’ Or I hear the name I’m beginning to hate, ‘Bill’. So I say that to make sure pent up anger doesn’t let me attack people again. Sorry bro.
So, I still don’t understand it, and I’ll continue to assume. I’ll continue to come up with reasons as to why she left me while my godsister, cousins and friends try to get the new me back to the old me. Why’d you leave me Wendi? No…why did I let you?
Because for once, I tried to think of your happiness and ended up crushing my own.
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