Wrought its Ghost upon the Floor

Countless times I go to that weird part of the interwebs that strangely keeps my interest and entertain me in that oh so heavenly good way. I really find this guy funny and I hope he continues to do what he's doing.

And Each Separate Dying Ember

I can start simply by telling you the tale of what I call 'the day the world bowed down'. A make believe collaboration of princess-like fairy tales and other gibberish.

It begins the morning of November 15, 2011, the birth date of my beloved Girlfriend. Girlfriend and I had made plans prior for her birth date. The plan consisted of going to meet her at the court of Lick's and to present her with a Red Velvet Cuppycake that I had slaved over the night before. Nothing else had been arranged. Needless to say, that a baked present to Girlfriend has always been the item of choice, strictly because I believe in the thought that counts above all. Continuing, and this sentence continues from, 'needless to say,' to my utter surprise the cuppycake had been devoured by Family. And Family has done this on occasion to Girlfriend's past birthday treats, regardless of my inability to bake. Not again, I thought, but I'm the moronic idiot who only made a single cupcake, defeated, I decided to whip up another. However, before I even had the chance to return to my bedroom for the Cookbook for Dummies, my cellphone chimed it's 'I'm about Lose My Mind' ring tone.

"Boss!" I heard on the other end from Best Friend. "I'm leaving now for work, is Caretaker there to let me in?"
"Oh, Caretaker was there yesterday and he usually works twice a week. I doubt he is. But the side door should be opened."
"..." silence.
"Ugh...fine. Let me get ready. Call me when you're going to leave so that we can leave together." I groaned, trying not to facepalm until I hung up.

You see about two and a half months ago I started this after school program for youth in our community called, AFTER GAMERZ! Monday through to Friday from 2:00pm to 8:00pm or later we operate the program doing various activities such as tutoring, gym and gaming. It gets more detailed, but I don't wanna get into that. Anyways, because it was Girlfriend's birthday I had begged Best Friend to act as coordinator (my position) and run the program for the day, but because I'm so reluctant to hand the building key over to anyone else, no one had access to the building without someone else with a key being there. Every so often we forget to check the side door, so it's usually opened sometimes. That said, if it wasn't opened, Best Friend had no access to the building and he and the other two volunteers would be screwed.

So I dropped what I was doing, took a five minute shower in lukewarm water and got ready forty minutes later to open the building's doors. In an effort to get there on time, I forgot my cookbook and to bring ingredients from home.
I missed a bus thanks to miscalculation on the bus schedule and waited 20 odd minutes before another came. When it finally did I was so anxious to get the building ready I pulled the cord a stop early and had to walk the rest of the way. Bus drivers kind of hate it when you 'tease' them this way, so I HAD to get off and take the walk. Once I got there, my heart sank. The doors were opened. I rushed in, fists up ready to beat the crap out of any robbers who thought they could rob the place, only to be greeted by Best Friend and Caretaker.
"W-wha-what!?" I stuttered stupidly, dumping my stuff on a nearby chair.
"Yeah, looks like we didn't need you." Best Friend 'apologized' getting straight to work.
"Ugh! No shit. Okay, whatever, I'll just get on baking here. We've got most of the ingredients."

If you guessed there wouldn't be any ingredients, you're right! 

I was so wrong. When I went into the kitchen, there was about 1/3 of the needed items to make a Red Velvet Cupcake in the cupboard. Oh fml. I checked the time, took a breath and tied my shoe laces. 

"Best Friend, I'm going to the market for ingredients. Have this place cleaned for 4pm. Pick up the kids at 3:30pm, give the school this note so they'll give you Youngest. It's nice out so take the kids to the park for roughly 25mins and then have them get ready by 3:55pm. They can't pass the white poles in the park--they know which ones- and make sure you watch them. Give 'em warnings and make sure they keep jackets on and put their backpacks near the pole closest to the bench. Get them back inside on time! Ciao!" 

With instructions given I walked as fast as my chubby stubby legs could carry me all the way to a No Frillz half an hour away. I had written a list of needed ingredients and went searching for the small quantities of things I could find. Within ten minutes I had everything I needed and was standing in line. Needless to say, shopping was the easiest thing I had done all that day. And it had taken such little time, effort and money that I was able to go to Bulk Barn to purchase cute accessories for the cuppycake. Somehow the Time Gods had been on my side. I made it back to the building around 4pm, the same time the children should arrive. My daddy complex got the better of me and even though I should have began baking, I worried as it neared 4:05pm and Best Friend and Children weren't there.
Needless to say, I rushed outside to be greeted by Best Friend and Children crossing the street. One had a bruised cheek and another looked on the brink of tears.
"Oh eM Gee!" I cried. "What happened!?"
"They got into a fight." he started, "With each other?!" I interrupted. "With girls." he spat.
I sighed loudly, and turned on my heels as concern slipped away. You'd think by now, I thought, that this sort of stuff wouldn't have that sort of result. Oh well, I'm just glad Best Friend supports me and my crazy mixed up brain.

As he got their after school snack prepared and ready for them, I began to line up the ingredients I had just bought. As I found bowls and a egg beater I realized, "I don't know this recipe by heart." 
And let me tell you the way I bake is simple; flour, sugar, eggs, water, sugar, salt, baking powder, sugar, vanilla extract, butter and sugar were all a simple cake needed. I even had the right measured amounts memorized, but Red Velvet was another story. So I quickly googled a recipe. And without thinking, I didn't read any comments or feedback left by other online users who had followed the recipe. About half way through my baking process, I realized the recipe didn't feel like the one I had done the night before. I shrugged, mixing and following the instructions. Once I put the cake in the oven, I cleaned my hands and left for 5 minutes before coming back down to a kitchen that smelled like lightly burned pancakes.
"What the fack!" I cried, rushing to the oven. I pulled out the cupcake sheet, (slightly burning my fingers as the oven mitts I wore were both meant for the left hand) and placed muffin brown cupcakes on the stove top. Devastated that the cupcakes weren't a pretty shade of red or even a pink, I let my heart break at the thought of given this disaster to Girlfriend. I tasted them and my heart sank farther. They tasted awful...!
"No! I will not be defeated!" I raised my fists, "By the POWER OF GRAYssssskull?...what the fack does he say?" I'd google it later.

So I went online yet again...and none of the recipes I'd found...matched. Some would say 3 cups of flour or 1.5 cups, and yet still say, 'for 12 servings'. I just don't understand baking. After what felt like an eternity, I chose two, with the intention of following one's ingredients and the other's instructions. That was the dumbest thing I have ever done. Aside from only making one cuppycake. I put a sheet of cupcake batter into the oven and no sooner had I done so had I heard a hiss. I checked on them to see that the cupcakes had 'exploded' and caved in.
"What the..." I couldn't even mutter my favorite saying of the day as I pulled out the mess. "Noooo!" I had less than an hour to make a new batch. I worked hard and fast, but I must have been doing something wrong in my efforts. The same thing happened AGAIN and the cupcakes sank in. 
"Why why why!?" I begged to know, seeing that it was already ten minutes to seven. The program would be over and I'd have no time to make it to Lick's to see Girlfriend.
I probably broke down for a second before manning up. "Okay Mitchell, you've been in worst situations." I rushed up the stairs to google one last recipe, but on my way down, Baby was standing on the top of the steps. I hadn't seen her as I came dashing down and in an attempt to dodge out of the way, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. I would not been K.O'd of the game that easily and limped back into the kitchen. 
The fourth batch of cupcakes were the worst. I threw in the white towel and surrendered.
I had no money or present for Girlfriend and I felt like shit.
"What are these?" Lovey asked. 
I sighed and shook my head, "Cupcakes." I grumbled, washing bowls for the umpteenth time. "They're all garbage though." I added tired.
I turned around to witness her taking a bite and feeding Baby some too. "These taste alright." She said.
"Huh? No...those are the first ones I made. They're burnt and nasty."
"They taste fine to me."
I didn't know whether or not to believe her, so I asked around. Everyone was telling me that they tasted great. But I'm a princess and my royal subjects are suppose to make me feel like I'm one badass mofo.
"No...way. Are you tellin' me the truth?"
The first batch was perfect? I decorated one carefully, covering it with a cream cream swirled icing and sprinkling it with red candy glittery stuff. And lastly a rose. It looked so pretty, but I just knew Girlfriend would think it was crappy. The last touch was to carefully drop it in the center of a see through paint can container. (much more kawaii desu then it sounds.) With some time to spare I placed the gift in my back pack and tripped walking up stairs. Bruised and battered, I left the building with Best Friend. The second I stepped outside, he grabbed my hand and yanked me down the street as our bus was approaching. "Le GASP! The cuppycake..." was upside down in it's container. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I didn't care that I was being a drama qu33n on the bus or that everyone was looking at me. I worked so damn hard on that.
Luckily, it didn't look that messed up and the icing didn't rub off or anything. It does didn't look swirly anymore.




As I arrived at the mall, I checked texts that said I should take the bus to her workplace. Somehow too lazy to wait, but active enough to walk, I decided I'd arrive on foot. However, I had no idea which direction Lick's was from where I was standing and I couldn't, for the life of me, remember any other exits. So I randomly began a journey.
Now right about now I bumped into Other Friends, but that's no interesting. So...TIME SKIP to the now.

I finally made it to Lick's and saw her in her work uniform mopping the floor and I swear I got all love sick thinking how gorgeous she was. I probably smiled, I don't even know as I nervously intruded on her territory. I sat where she told me and waited nervously not to be in the presence of people she knew. I am a loser.
About an hour after, I was told to leave so they could close up and she told me to wait next door at...
where'd we wait...fuck! That restaurant...oh geez, this is gonna haunt me....with those weird cups that aren't cups!! FAAAACK!

damnit...this blog is ruined!

I gave her the damned cupcake and told her shit and she loved it and took picture. The fucking end...

It was In the Bleak December

It's so crazy how all my doubts can be thrown away, when she says 'I love you' before I do.

Ah, Distinctively I Remember

[raw & unedited]
another entry from my diary

I Wanna kiss those Lips!sixth entry

               

You’re still the same old you, but I’m still falling in love with you. It’s so difficult. I’m too young to know what true love is, right? Plenty of fish in the sea…broken hearts heal. No.

I really just want you.

Because I love you. A lot.

I’ve been thinking…I’m sorry I messed up our relationship. Sorry I was too scared to—as well as embarrassed—to lose my virginity to you, but at the time I didn’t think it mattered. Sorry I never told you what was wrong, because I really thought and still think, my little problems are too dumb to be bothering you with and that you can easily see what’s wrong. Sorry for never showing you my tears and telling you my fears. That’s because I always wanted to seem strong to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t the right person for you and I really hope you’re happy.

If I could tell you these things I would. But it’s really just my pride.

Oh, there’s one more thing I always wanted to say to you, Miss, I really like your lips. And I think I stare at them sometimes and I got to stop myself from leaning in and kissing you. Being an idiot and reclaiming you like a character from my stories. I’m smiling at myself now. I really am I big love sick puppy. Why’d I fall in love with you of all people? You’re my friend, I see you all the time. Maybe that’s why my heart won’t heal. No, that’s not it. It’s because I gave it to you. You can keep it, okay?

& Nothing More.

It's completely foolish. How a princess can only be a queen with her king.
[raw & unedited]

Heartbreakthird entry

One day I’ll let the smile be real.              

There are some things I really don’t get. So I always assume them. I always assume because it keeps me from having one of my daily ‘panic attacks’ and being paranoid. You might not know this, but I’m incredibly paranoid. There’s not really a great explaination as to why, put I know I’m a paranoid downer freak. I’ve been told.

Anyways, like I was saying, there’s some things I don’t get. Like why at the mention of her name I get this lump thing in my throat and the tears wanna explode from my eyes. I don’t understand that. All I know is, I want it to go away.

My cousin, Ronnie, says that that lump in my throat’ll go away if I just ‘man up and grow some balls.’ Well, that’s my make of it anyways. I’m too scared to do so. Because my assumptions cannot possibly be any worse than the actuality. I rather not know why she left me. I rather be left in the dark with my paranoia and assumptions.

Like what? Well I’ve come to this conclusion:you leave somebody when you hate them, isn’t that right? I’ve been told that I am correct.  So then, somebody tell me why she is still so close to my heart? Why’s she’s still in my life.  I think it’s because I like her so damn much, I know that. So what’s her reasons? Hahahha, I don’t wanna know.

My godsister, Monique, says that it’s her gothic powers of confusion. That she just makes me think that she likes me so that I won’t leave and spend more time with her instead. Haha, that’s just Momo’s jealousy talking though. I know that.

What do I think? I do not know. I try not to think about it. Because then that lump comes back…and I end up crying.

My friend, Marcus, said that I should just ask her. He tried to make me feel better. He said there’s a difference in me and that he wants me to be happy again, but…I’m too scared.

Sometimes I have all this courage, but I think it’s limited. I waste it on silly outbursts and talking to people on the streets.

Some days ago, I was nearly better. I felt that everything would be alright, but then…Risha, my friend, she let it slip that she got a boyfriend. I laughed. At myself. I didn’t understand. How could she easily let me go like that? Really…what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I don’t get it.

It was Marcus who said that it seemed kind of quick…and that maybe they might have been seeing each other behind my back. I laughed. Because I refused to cry. Why’d he say that? I know her, she would never do that. And that’s not something I’m just saying to make myself feel better. I don’t spare myself like that.

Then, Jermaine, he’s supposed to be my friend. Some friend. What he said to me, shatter the heart that’s trying to heal.

“You’re so difficult. I can see why she left you.”

I’m kind of lonely now. And each time I tell her that I hate her, it’s because I think, ‘she’s got somebody better.’ Or I hear the name I’m beginning to hate, ‘Bill’. So I say that to make sure pent up anger doesn’t let me attack people again. Sorry bro.

So, I still don’t understand it, and I’ll continue to assume. I’ll continue to come up with reasons as to why she left me while my godsister, cousins and friends try to get the new me back to the old me. Why’d you leave me Wendi? No…why did I let you?

Because for once, I tried to think of your happiness and ended up crushing my own.